Well-being on the edge
Hello! My first pretty tough and maybe interesting topic is going to be about something that is pretty common nowadays. Not in a good way though.
Eating disorder. Not everyone knows what it actually is, why people have it or why it exists.
This is my story as someone who has been through it.
I myself got diagnosed with an eating disorder in 2017 and I still do not know which one I have not that I care or want to know. It was not a shock but it felt wrong. I did not feel sick enough and still do not. I just think I have a problem with eating but to be honest that is what nearly everyone with an eating disorder think or say.
We have tried to find out why I developed it but we have not been able to find out the reason behind it yet which is frustrating. It probably started years ago, not showing much at first. It started with me not liking my muscles which is funny because muscles are needed and we need them to do daily things such as walking, walking up the stairs et cetera.
I started losing weight in March 2017. It all started with skipping breakfast, eating little at school and as the weather got warmer I started going on walks, biking, just going out more than usual. At first the walks were 5 kilometers long then they became 10 kilometers long and my bike "trips" were about 30 to 40 kilometers. This went on for months. I stopped eating at school and just sat in the canteen with my friends when they ate.
Eating disorders are like monsters. They make you do stubid things, they destroy your relationships and even your grades in school might drop as eating disorders might give you depression as a lovely side gift (which it is not) but not always! Back to the story. My weight started dropping and oh how much I liked it. One step closer to my dream body. Just eat less, move more and you will get there is what I said to myself.
When I had lost about 5 kilograms I felt cold. I was literally freezing when it was over 10 degrees outside. I wore jackets that should be worn in the early spring.
One day when I was in the canteen. I had been thinking about messaging the school psychologist for a long time but I was too scared to do it and I do not know why. I knew I had a problem and finally found the courage to contact her. We talked on WhatsApp but we could not meet because she was not working in the school anymore. Well she talked with the school nurse and made an appointment for me. I visited her for a few times and only after like two appointments she contacted an eating disorder clinic. I was not happy about that even though I kind of wanted help.
Summer holiday started. During the summer holiday I made plans for how much I could eat, how much I needed to move and what workouts I would do. If I skipped even one thing I would feel extremely guilty and sometimes even hurt myself. I have struggled with hurting myself as well, maybe for a bit longer than I have been struggling with the ed. I was so tired. I cried a lot. When I visited the eating disorder clinic for the first time..let me tell you it was not easy to get me there. I refused and laid in my bed until my parents told me they would carry me out of the house if I did not get up right away.
One time I got mad and went out for a walk. I walked for a long time. I had no phone with me so my parents messaged my friends asking where I was and of course they did not know. I came home and that was it. We did not talk about it anymore. Nearly the same thing happened again. I woke up early in the morning and went out for a walk. God only knows how many kilometers I walked in pouring rain seriously it was raining cats and dogs! My phone died and my mom was pissed. I was supposed to have an appointment at the eating disorder clinic that day but I refused. I have never gone to the clinic with a smile on my face or relaxed. I hate that place with all my heart. Summer holiday ended, I had gained a bit weight and I started high school. I got back to my old habits and stopped eating breakfasts and lunches at school. I lost weight. I run in the school's bathroom trying to burn calories and get more steps. I was freezing again. I felt powerless and dizzy. Soon I reached the lowest weight I had ever been at. Not long time after I had to go to daycare for two weeks (not during the weekend), meaning going to the eating disorder clinic, eating meals there and going to different groups then going home for the night. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. One positive thing about it is that I got a new friend though!
After daycare I lost a bit weight again as it felt too overwhelming to eat at school et cetera. Before Christmas I was lightly underweight again. During the holidays I gained it all back and for the first time in like 2 months I was happy! After the holidays I wanted to relapse and lose weight again but where would it take me? Losing weight never made me happy. It did the opposite! So here I am struggling like crazy to keep myself from relapsing. I still struggle with bad body image and selfharm urges. As I started losing weight in March 2017 I am really triggered. We'll see what happens as the time goes on.
Eating disorders are not being talked about much. Is it because people who have an eating disorder think it is something to be ashamed of? Some people might be scared of reaching out for help just like me. Other people do not feel sick enough. There is million reasons behind it. I have instagram account and to be honest social media is often one of the reasons why people start losing weight in not so healthy way and that way they might develop an eating disorder. Is it possible to fully recover from an ed? I am not sure if it is 100% possible but I believe in it. So please if you are struggling with eating and have lost weight to the point where you feel ill tell someone! You deserve help. You deserve to be happy. Be brave and strong. I believe in you! -Jasmin
Eating disorder. Not everyone knows what it actually is, why people have it or why it exists.
This is my story as someone who has been through it.
I myself got diagnosed with an eating disorder in 2017 and I still do not know which one I have not that I care or want to know. It was not a shock but it felt wrong. I did not feel sick enough and still do not. I just think I have a problem with eating but to be honest that is what nearly everyone with an eating disorder think or say.
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| This picture was taken before I started losing weight |
I started losing weight in March 2017. It all started with skipping breakfast, eating little at school and as the weather got warmer I started going on walks, biking, just going out more than usual. At first the walks were 5 kilometers long then they became 10 kilometers long and my bike "trips" were about 30 to 40 kilometers. This went on for months. I stopped eating at school and just sat in the canteen with my friends when they ate.
Eating disorders are like monsters. They make you do stubid things, they destroy your relationships and even your grades in school might drop as eating disorders might give you depression as a lovely side gift (which it is not) but not always! Back to the story. My weight started dropping and oh how much I liked it. One step closer to my dream body. Just eat less, move more and you will get there is what I said to myself.
 |
| This is from the time when I had lost about 5 kilograms |
One day when I was in the canteen. I had been thinking about messaging the school psychologist for a long time but I was too scared to do it and I do not know why. I knew I had a problem and finally found the courage to contact her. We talked on WhatsApp but we could not meet because she was not working in the school anymore. Well she talked with the school nurse and made an appointment for me. I visited her for a few times and only after like two appointments she contacted an eating disorder clinic. I was not happy about that even though I kind of wanted help.
Summer holiday started. During the summer holiday I made plans for how much I could eat, how much I needed to move and what workouts I would do. If I skipped even one thing I would feel extremely guilty and sometimes even hurt myself. I have struggled with hurting myself as well, maybe for a bit longer than I have been struggling with the ed. I was so tired. I cried a lot. When I visited the eating disorder clinic for the first time..let me tell you it was not easy to get me there. I refused and laid in my bed until my parents told me they would carry me out of the house if I did not get up right away.
One time I got mad and went out for a walk. I walked for a long time. I had no phone with me so my parents messaged my friends asking where I was and of course they did not know. I came home and that was it. We did not talk about it anymore. Nearly the same thing happened again. I woke up early in the morning and went out for a walk. God only knows how many kilometers I walked in pouring rain seriously it was raining cats and dogs! My phone died and my mom was pissed. I was supposed to have an appointment at the eating disorder clinic that day but I refused. I have never gone to the clinic with a smile on my face or relaxed. I hate that place with all my heart. Summer holiday ended, I had gained a bit weight and I started high school. I got back to my old habits and stopped eating breakfasts and lunches at school. I lost weight. I run in the school's bathroom trying to burn calories and get more steps. I was freezing again. I felt powerless and dizzy. Soon I reached the lowest weight I had ever been at. Not long time after I had to go to daycare for two weeks (not during the weekend), meaning going to the eating disorder clinic, eating meals there and going to different groups then going home for the night. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. One positive thing about it is that I got a new friend though!
After daycare I lost a bit weight again as it felt too overwhelming to eat at school et cetera. Before Christmas I was lightly underweight again. During the holidays I gained it all back and for the first time in like 2 months I was happy! After the holidays I wanted to relapse and lose weight again but where would it take me? Losing weight never made me happy. It did the opposite! So here I am struggling like crazy to keep myself from relapsing. I still struggle with bad body image and selfharm urges. As I started losing weight in March 2017 I am really triggered. We'll see what happens as the time goes on.
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| 4.3.2018 Me at a healthy weight |
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